This previous weekend my brother came down from Purchase for Thanksgiving and stayed at the house until Monday night. We mostly avoided any arguments until on Sunday evening when he complained about how I always reblog posts on tumblr that try to shame people into feeling bad or remorseful for something that happened to someone else and that it was very self-righteous and haughty, though not in those exact words.
As we began arguing the topic of me throwing myself into Kickstarter, Indiegogo, and GoFundMe campaigns came up and why I feel the need to become obsessive over helping these projects or campaigns succeed.
I mentioned how much I already donated to help with Typhoon relief and that I offered to do drabbles in exchange for $5 donations, and he asked me why? Why am I doing so much and exerting all the energy I have into these things when I've already done enough.
The thing is, I feel like I don't do enough. Not by a long shot. Most of the journal entries I've put on here lately have been about Kickstarter and GoFundMe, ever trying to raise money for a TV show or for some poor girl's surgery. But, what else am I supposed to do? I don't know if this is some deep seated racial guilt thing or superiority complex or whatever this might be, but I just feel bad when I see these campaigns struggling?
I admit despite all the complaining I've done so far about what the money situation with my family is like I have it a lot easier than a lot of other people, and I waste my money on frivolous things I don't really need. When I have money to donate I will, and I've even set it up so that I can budget how much money I spend on campaigns every month. But then it gets difficult trying to figure out who needs it more and YES I KNOW HOW INCREDIBLY DICKISH THAT SOUNDS.
So then afterwards I try my best to spread word about these campaigns when I can't give any more money, and in the process I annoy most of the people I know online and most likely guilt them into offering to do something.
I mean, I don't really have any other skills to help. All I can do is either give money or tell people about different campaigns so THEY can give money or tell other people about it. I just want to be of some help as much as I can.
And wow looking this over I realize this reads as just one shameless ego trip doesn't it? Fuck.