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About Deviant Member JudeMale/United States Groups :iconbringbacklianharper: BringBackLianHarper
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United States
Current Residence: Bronx, NY
Favourite genre of music: Rock, Anime Soundtracks
Favourite style of art: Photorealism, Animation
Favourite cartoon character: Utena, Lightning Lad, Harley Quinn, Oyuki, Priss Asagiri, Batman, Daria, Duela Dent, Sailor Jupiter

The previous summer, I was in a terrible place emotionally. It was the summer before my last year at Lehman, my brother was getting ready to transfer to Purchase College, and I had to schedule a doctor’s appointment because of some concern over a mole on my back.

I was feeling miserable over the few days leading up to July 8th, wasn’t sleeping very well and I felt irritated all over. My brother was being an asshole like he usually is and getting into frequent arguments with our parents over Purchase, and taking it out on me just because I was nearby.

I had actually been contemplating suicide a couple of days before July 8th, but I didn’t really act on it until that day.

I woke up in the afternoon to my brother in another argument with our parents over the phone, and telling me to leave. Apparently he was denied a few student loans because our parent’s credit history is terrible, and he was threatening to make them both miserable forever if he couldn’t go to Purchase and if he ended up stuck in this house. Which would mean he was going to make me miserable as well.

I went downstairs for a little while and when I went back up he was still angry and petulant. At that point my mind just kind of reached the worst possible place it could’ve. Everything kind of collapsed together. I saw a place where I’d be going through my last year at Lehman suffering from some kind of skin disease if not cancer, still having to work two part-time jobs, living with a selfish, miserable asshole incapable of thinking about anyone else, and then also dealing with two other selfish assholes incapable of thinking beyond their own stupid needs, and then also worrying about what it would cost to pay for said disease and how that would affect my school work after I had come so far.

And then my brother goes up to me and says “Oh God forbid you should get up from that computer and do something.”

I couldn’t take it. I refused to take it.

I grabbed a knife I had placed under one of the sofa pillows, pushed past my brother, and locked myself in the bathroom.

My brother was pounding on the door and begging me to open it because he was sorry for how he acted, and as I had the knife at my wrist but didn’t cut yet, I just, all I could think about was how much I hated him. I mean, I hated my brother so much at that moment. I hated my dad and I hated my mom too. All three of them. I wasn’t just doing this because of my worst possible situation thinking, but because I wanted to get away from them so very much.

For four years, ever since my parents split, I was in the background having to listen to everyone’s problems and bullshit and arguments, and no one ever bothered to notice or care that I also had stuff I wanted to talk about. That I was miserable too and needed help. No one cared. The only way I could protect myself was by intervening in everyone’s arguments because I still had to live with these people, and I got called a martyr because of it. I didn’t know how to walk away. I didn’t have anywhere to walk away too. And I just wanted someone to notice how I felt because they wouldn’t listen. I was hoping they would reciprocate. They never did. And then I had to deal with a whiny, self-absorbed child for a dad who would make threats whenever I wouldn’t pay attention to him, a mom who abandoned my brother and I and continued to brush off any problems I had because she was tired of hearing about them but still have the nerve to use me for a bank account and call me at three in the morning to vent about her boyfriend’s illness, like I’m just a wall to talk at or a burden. And then my brother, a lazy, overly emotional sponge constantly writing off his moods as a possible side effect of his medication, wrapped up in his own little world, treating me like a target to vent stress, never picking up after himself but always having friends over and making another mess that doesn’t get cleaned for four days. Oh you better believe I fucking hated them so very much.

I was screaming at my brother to shut up but, despite all that, I couldn’t do it. I had the knife, I held it to my wrist, but I just couldn’t cut.

I couldn’t do it.

And so I spent the next couple of days completely miserable and bitter about everything. Whenever my brother tried talking to me, I threw things at him and screamed at him to leave me alone, when I wasn’t being nasty and spiteful to him. The only thing I had to look forward to at that point was a commission from Ramona Fradon I was still waiting on. But even then, I was still thinking of killing myself and decided to wait until after I got the commission.

Then on Tuesday night, my brother told me dad was trying to call and said he’d be coming over if I didn’t call him. I’d been ignoring his calls all day or hanging up on him. I finally called him at like 10 at night, and I, I just, I couldn’t hold it in. I didn’t tell him I tried to kill myself, but I was crying and sobbing and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t keep going with the way things were since they split. It was too much for me. With school and work and this doctor thing I just, I couldn’t. I ended up calling my mom as well and telling her the same thing.

Both of them were kind of apologizing for the stress they had placed on me, my dad especially was sorry, and my dad asked to stay over on Thursday after I went to the doctor’s to have the sample taken for my test.

I saw my therapist Dr. Johnson on Sunday, and we began talking about stuff I hadn’t brought up yet. Stuff that we began talking about for the next few sessions, like my sexual assault in middle school. When I told Dr. Johnson about my suicide attempt on Monday, she said she wanted me to start coming in every week instead of every two weeks, and suggested talking to my parents about helping me pay for my sessions, because she was worried about me. After I left, I told both of my parents about what I tried to do after I brought up my assault.

I haven’t really gone on length talking about this with crowds. A few people know about this and a couple of my professors do. I wasn’t trying to televise my attempt because I just felt so ashamed of myself. Some of my friends tried to be understanding and others were mad at me for not coming to them about it and for trying to do something so stupid in the first place. When I saw Ramona Fradon at New York Comic Con last year I made sure to tell her why that commission she did for me meant so much to me and why.

Since then, I began trying to control the whole “stinkin’ thinking” mindset I’ve found myself falling into so many times, where I’m thinking over and over how “I CAN’T DO THIS” and can’t see any possible hopeful outcome. I didn’t have a disease or cancer and I made it through my last year at Lehman. I’ve been working at distancing myself from my parents and my brother whenever there is an argument between them, and to ground the expectations I have of them, which I have to honestly say, is not that much. I learned I put too much into people whom I have somewhat toxic relationships to and was basically ignoring the people who are close to me that have been helpful. I should’ve been turning to them instead of my family, because they’ve been more helpful than my parents or my brother.

But most importantly, I felt I was powerless and useless. I felt I couldn’t change anything in my life and there was nothing good about it. I censored my feelings against other people and my feelings of anger and sadness for too long, and all that being internalized I tried to hurt myself because it felt like the only thing I had the power to accomplish. I felt ashamed of myself, but now I feel even more ashamed that I tried something so completely stupid.

But I didn’t die. I didn’t hurt myself. I made it through that. I had help from friends, and yes, even my dad proved more supportive than I thought, and I managed to accomplish a lot since last year. I feel so much better about myself and now that school is over I can focus on my work and my writing and finding ways to become the person I want to be for my sake.

  • Mood: Content

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gothicpysi Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Thanks for the fav!
Freddy-Kun-11 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014
Thanks for the watch!
Freddy-Kun-11 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014
Thanks for the fave!+fav 
lenlenlen1 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Professional General Artist
Thanks for the fave!!
JudeDeluca Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
You're welcome.
lenlenlen1 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Professional General Artist
GreenGosselin Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014  Professional General Artist
As always, thanks for the fav!! :D
JudeDeluca Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
No problem.
GreenGosselin Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Professional General Artist
Haven't talked to you in a while.  How is everything?
JudeDeluca Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014
Well I finished my last college course.
(1 Reply)
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