Bizenghast: The Haircut

Bizenghast

The Haircut

“… you never know what interesting people you met in my line of the work.  The other day while I was reading this interesting article on Coralime, I saw this interesting woman walk in who was wearing the most interesting choker.  Well, the woman told me all about how she makes all these interesting pieces of jewelry and sells them on this interesting art website, and she’s an author who writes the most interesting stories and today was her birthday. So I says to Marty, I says, ‘you’ll need an interesting new look for the court hearing-”

“Brother, if I have to sit here I would prefer it if you could stop talking like a retarded rabbit.”

Edrear sat like a grumpy little gumdrop as Edaniel began to work on his hair.

“Oh would you relax? You’re the one who said you wanted a more… unique hairstyle. Heh, thought I was gonna say something else didnja?” Edaniel said, with his knowledge of the broken fourth wall.

“Who are you talking to?” Edrear asked.

“No one. So anyway, stop moaning. I know how hard it is to keep up with today’s generation z, with their victrolas and their Legion of Super-Heroes cartoon shows and their Golden Girls and their foot long chicken submarine sandwiches with smoky chipotle sauce, iceberg lettuce, tomato, pepper jack cheese and mozzerella smothered in…”

“Hey!” Edrear snapped his fingers in Edaniel’s face to wake him from his Ziznos inspired trance.

“Monkeys! What was I saying, oh yeah, so chillax, and before you know you’ll be all the rave at next sock hops and drive bys.”

“You mean ‘drive in’, right?”

“Yeah sure.”

Edaniel began getting out his hair tools, including a rusty pair of garden shears, a chainsaw, a bottle of sulfuric acid, lead paint, welding goggles and a flame thrower, and a pair of Hey Pussycat safety scissors in neon pink. Edaniel picked up the safety scissors and began snipping them crazy as Edrear gulped.

“Just relax. I learned from a pro.” Edaniel said, grinning maniacally, not like Edrear could see.

“What pro?” Edrear asked.

“Eniri.”

“ENIRI?!”

…

“I don’t see much of a difference, Edrear.”

Later, about three hours later, Dinah had come over for her nightly duty and was asked by Edrear how his new hairstyle looked.

“Are you sure? Oh thank goodness. I was afraid my brother was going to butcher my-”

Edrear turned his head and Dinah nearly fainted from shock at what she saw in the back of his head.

“What the-?!” She screamed.

“What? What is it?” Edrear asked, frantically trying to see what Dinah saw,

“I-in the back, you, you have a… word, shaved in the back.” Dinah said, trying to regain her composure.

“I do? What word is it?”

“Uh, I can’t say…” Dinah blushed.

“Why not?”

“Because, um, it means, uh…” Dinah couldn’t bring herself to speak this word.

“Whisper it in my ear, Miss Dinah.”

Dinah gulped, leaned in closer, and began to…

*Whisperwhisper*

“Well what does that mean?” Edrear asked.

*Whisperwhisper*

“What?! How can someone do that with a groundhog?!”

…

“Hey, you said you wanted to be hip!” Edaniel defended himself.

“And so it’s hip for people to do that with groundhogs and farming equipment?!” Edrear screamed, fangs and claws bared.

“Well in certain boarding schools in third world countries they do.” Edaniel said offhandedly.

Edrear had now officially turned a shade of red Crayola had not yet invented.

“Well you wouldn’t let me part it in the back and the Lex Luthor look is oh-ver!” Edaniel said waving his hand/paw in the air. Now Edrear turned TWO new shades of red. One in each eye.

“Calm down, speed Bolton! I’ll fix it.”

“You better!”

“Just leave EVERYTHING to me…” Edaniel said, as he took out a bottle of chloroform behind his back and a tissue.

“That’s what I’m afraid of-mmmpppggh!” Edrear suddenly fell unconscious as Edaniel held the tissue over his mouth.

“Shhhh, don’t cry little Dragonfly, the man in the moon is here…” Edaniel nursed his sleeping brother in his lap.

…

Another three hours later, and Dinah was growing restless after spending the last two hours playing charades with the badly burnt, desicated ghost corpses of the St. Lyman school boys.

“Come on boys we’re going to be-” Dinah’s call was cut short when she saw Edrear and Edaniel come back up. And Edrear was spotting a giant blue beehive for a hairdo.

“Hive. Uh, I mean-” Dinah sputtered.

“I’m going to pull you inside out through your nose, brother.” Edrear gritted through his teeth.

“Don’t have a cow, man.” Edaniel said. “Happy birthday Marty.”

“Who are you talking to?” Dinah asked.

“God.” Edaniel said.